Questions For Reflection:

• During an argument do you find yourself making permanent decisions based on temporary feelings? For example, yelling, name-calling, threats, passivity, blaming or blame-shifting.

Action Steps For Application:

• Create some agreed-upon rules of engagement. Start with just 2-3 things you promise not to do during an argument. (Note: As your communication becomes stronger and your relationship matures you'll add to this list. My wife and I have about 10 - 15 items on our list now.) To create this list, start with the 3 things you do in an argument that aren't productive and that frustrate your spouse. Make a commitment to minimize/ eliminate these habits and ask for gentle reminders to help you break these habits.

• Talk about the five-minute rule together with your spouse. Decide on whether you'd like to implement it into your relationship. If so, make a verbal commitment to honor the "timeout" no matter who calls it or when it's called. Use it a few times over the next 2 months until it becomes a habit.

• Ask this question this at least 3 times over the next 30 days: During a passionate important conversation, let your spouse "vent" and when they're done ask them, "What I hear you saying is _____". If you get it wrong let them reexplain it again. You don't earn the right to respond until you've correctly stated their position. (This is much harder than it sounds!)